Pilots Don't Dance
by LeMistressV
Summary: A Parody of Cats Don't Dance, Duo's become the main lead for the show Maya's set up. But the trouble is, what's going to happen to the show? With chaos ensuing and creepy crew members, this is one show no one will EVER forget!
1. Default Chapter

Pilots Don't Dance 

By LeMistressV

**Disclaimer**: This is a parody of the movie **_Cats Don't Dance_**. I'm not sure if you are familiar with this. Oh well, I do not own any of the characters, etc, etc, etc. Also, there are plenty of OOC-ness. You know the drill. Id you don't like, don't read.

Also, this is one of my really really old fics, when I first started writing fanfiction. It's pretty old, so just cope up with me.

Cast 

Duo Danny – Duo Maxwell

Kiyone Sawyer – Kiyone

Emeraude Dimple – Emeraude-Hime

Ascot Pudge – Ascot

Mihoshi Tilly – Mihoshi

Touya Crampston – Touya Kinomoto

Suzuka Frances – Twilight Suzuka

Clef Turtle – Guru Clef

Quatre Wooly – Quatre Raberba Winner

Laffy – "Lafarga"

B.F. Mammoth – Baofu

Ms. Washu – Washu

Director Fred – Fred Luo

Directed by Hikaru Shidou

Script Written by Maya Amano

Costumes done by Tomoyo Daidouji

Stage Crew 

Heero Yuy

Fuu Houoji

Jim Hawking

Sakura Kinomoto

Li Syaoran

Ferio

Aisha Clan Clan

Scenery Design 

Selphie Tilmitt

Umi Ryuuzaki

Lantis Kailu

Eagle Vision

Squall Leonhart

Quistis Trepe

_(One summer morning.) _

Aisha: (yawns in boredom) I'm bored! Let's go do something fun!

Jim: Oh please, the only fun you ever want is kicking some guy's butt.

Selphie: (walks in the room) Hey, guys wanna see my new dance routine?

Ferio: If it helps of not being bored anymore.

(Suddenly, Maya runs in the room, waving a thick stack of papers in the air.)

Maya: I'VE DONE IT! I'VE DONE IT!

Sakura: What is it?

Maya: I've just finished writing a new and very inspirational play! I am a genius! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Baofu: (puffs out smoke from his mouth) A play? This better be good. I've got better things to do than to act in a stupid play.

Tomoyo: (hands out the scripts) This will be fun! Hehehe…

Eagle Vision: Why do I get the feeling that this isn't going to be as good as we would hope?

Suzuka: (looks like she is about to kill someone) I'm part of this ridiculous play? You have got to be kidding.

Aisha: Aw, c'mon, Suz! It'll be fun!

Suzuka: Not likely. And will you stop calling me that?

Lafarga: Laffy? My name is Laffy? What's this world coming to?

Duo: Oh yeah! I've got the main lead! BOOYA!

Mihoshi: Hey, Kiyone, looks like you've got the main part! And check this out, I'm playing the part as your best friend!

Kiyone: Why do I bother? Look at all these lines I have to memorize! I can't memorize all of it! Maya, I think you're mistaken. I'm not fit for this part.

Maya: Don't go telling me that. I only wrote the script. I never chose the parts. Hikaru did.

Emeraude: …I'm…the bad guy?

Lantis: Aren't you always? At least I don't have anything much to do, except…draw…Err…I can't paint OR draw for beans!

Eagle: Hehehe, looks like the both of us can't draw, Lantis.

Squall: …

_(A day later) _

Ascot: Um…Hey, Tomoyo, are you sure I've got the right costume? I look like a penguin in it.

Tomoyo: That's what you are, silly. Now get on that stage and start rehearsing! Sakura-chan! Please, wear this special costume I designed for you.

Sakura: (sweatdrop) But, Tomoyo-chan, I'm only doing the curtains. I'm not the one going on stage.

Tomoyo: (hands Sakura a dress) Please, Sakura-chan. You don't know how much this means to me. You make me so happy when you where my hand made outfits. You too, Syoaran-kun.

Syaoran: But…

Tomoyo: No buts this time. Both you and Sakura-chan must wear my hand made dresses.

Umi: Hikaru, why are Lantis and Eagle Vision part of the scenery crew if they can't draw?

Hikaru: That's because there aren't anymore open spaces for stage crew. And besides, I'm sure they could draw _something_.

Quistis: Does that include those weird looking circles and sticks on one of those boards? (points at Lantis and Eagle drawing circles and sticks and other weird looking shapes)

Eagle: For the last time, Quistis, they're trees. Trees! Not circles and sticks.

Lantis: I think it looks pretty good. See, I've even made a bird! (shows his picture of two deformed circles stuck together with a small messed up triangle at the front)

Squall: You call that a bird?

Lantis: Of course it's a bird! What did you think it was? A glob of deformed shapes stuck together?

Hikaru: (sweatdrop) Um…it looks great, Lantis…Um…I'm going to check on the others now, okay? Bye!

Suzuka: Must I wear this ridiculous outfit?

Ascot: At least you don't have to wear a penguin suit. I look stupid with this on!

Emeraude: (cringes) Just because I'm short I have to wear this pink dress.

Duo: (whispers to Aisha) I don't see why Hikaru picked Emeraude to be one of the main leads. She can't even carry a tune.

Aisha: Hehehehehehehehehe…

Emeraude: I heard that!

Hikaru: Alright, everyone! Take your places. C'mon!

_(A month and a half later) _

Maya: (excitedly lifting her hand up in the air) Alright, guys! Think positive! You'll do a great job out there.

Tomoyo: (videotaping everyone especially Sakura) Wear your costumes with pride! Make them shine out!

Washu: Of course. With all this shiny stuff on each of the costumes, we'll blind the audience.

Mihoshi: But if we blind the audience, then no one will be able to watch the play!

Kiyone: (slaps Mihoshi's head) Mihoshi!

Hikaru: (tearfully) Alright, everyone. We've been practicing this for over a month. Go knock 'em dead for me!

Suzuka: My pleasure. (grins and takes out her wooden sword) Hehehe…

Jim: It's just an expression, Suzuka.

Suzuka: (looks disappointed) You're no fun.

Duo: Alright, people. Let's go and show them what we're made of!

Squall: …Whatever.

Act 1 

_Scene 1 _

_(Italicized parts are said backstage) _

(Duo walks up towards the stage and clears his throat loudly towards the audience.)

_Selphie: (slaps her forehead in annoyance behind the stage) Like can he clear it any louder?_

Duo: Ah, today is the day when I can finally go to the City of Dreams! Hollywood! Uh…err…that's not right (takes out his script and slowly reads it)…I mean Tokyo! Yes, and I shall finally fulfill my dreams of stardom!

(A cardboard box looking bus comes along and crashes into the scene accidentally.)

Duo: (laughs nervously) Ah, so here is the bus to Tokyo. I must hurry or else I'll miss it. (walks towards the cardboard box slowly.)

(Suddenly, the "bus" drives off without Duo in it, crashing into the scenery again, making it topple down on Duo.)

Duo: (dodges the scenery) Hey! You're supposed to wait for me before driving off! Hey! HEERO!!!!!

Heero: (continues to drive recklessly) hehehe…

_Aisha: Hurry up! Play the moving song already!_

_Fuu: (presses the play button on the radio, and listens for a moment) Hmm…this isn't the moving music. _

(The blasting music was one of the songs from Limp Bizkit.)

_Jim: How did that get in there? _

_Ferio: Oops…I forgot to change the CD last night when I was listening to the radio. _

_Sakura: (covering her ears) Such profanity! _

_Syaoran: It's not so bad… _

_Jim: Would you change the music already! _

_Aisha: Okay, okay. Hmm…ah, here it is. (plays the song _Our Time Has Come_ from the soundtrack Cats Don't Dance) _

Whelp! Tell me what you think so far! I'll update this if I get good feedback.


	2. Ch 2

_Scene 2_

(Heero continues to drive around the stage back and forth, with Duo running after him, screaming furiously.)

Duo: HEERO! HEY WAIT FOR ME!!!!

(After the song ends, Heero abruptly stops the "bus," causing Duo to crash into it.)

Duo: (pants exhaustedly) Since…Since…(begins to sing) Since I was a little pilot, I had a dream. (jumps on top of a knocked out Heero) My name in lights! Duo the dancing daaance pilot. Got on a bus (glares at the unconscious Heero) and came to a town…well actually city…where dreams can come true. It's gonna happen for me. It _could_ happen for you.

(Duo begins to dance pretty well, until he accidentally bumped into Ascot who was carrying a big block of ice. Ascot drops the ice onto the floor, making Duo slip.)

Duo: (falls onto the stage floor with a loud thump) OUCH! WHY YOU LITTLE MOTHER_(BEEP)_! I OUGHTA…

(The Audience gasps after hearing Duo curse nonstop)

Ascot: (clears his throat and points towards the audience) Hello, get with your song already!

Duo: What song?

Ascot: Your opening song!

Duo: Oh yeah! (clears his throat again, and continues to sing) You can do anything if you try! The most impossible dream can come true, if you believe it. This is my kind of…err…town. It's as clear as the nose on your faces. This is the time. (tap dances on Heero) This is the place. This is the time. This must be the place! (jumps off Heero and grabs onto a pole in order o spin) To-ki-yo! Where the streets are paved with gray. Where the pilots never grow old, in To-ki-yo…(mutters) coz' they get blown up! To-ki-yo! Where the stars don't shine at night. They walk around in the broad daylight (Syaoran, Sakura, and Jim flash bright pictures in front of Duo's eyes, blinding him) AH! In…uhhh…someplace. Dig that face, we ain't see nothing like it any place (sees picture of Lafarga in a ballerina costume and cringes). It's right above the movie screens if you know what I mean! Look at me, I'm gonna be the pilot to see! I'm going down in history, just watch me!

(Duo begins to walk around, dancing, while Kiyone tries to avoid him. Unfortunately, she is not very successful, as she trips towards the scenery with the messed up shapes which Lantis and Eagle had claimed to be birds and trees.)

Duo: (continues to sing) To-ki-yo (jumps in front of Kiyone's way and sets a firecracker on fire, causing Kiyone's hair to burn)!! Where the streets are paved with gray!

(Kiyone gives Duo a death glare.)

Duo: Where dreams can never grow old. Right here in…To…ki…yo! (spreads arms wide, causing Kiyone to crash into a very wet scenery)

(Duo walks towards a "building" and throws the door open, accidentally ripping it off its hinges.)

Mihoshi: (looks up as the door falls) Um…what are we supposed to do again?

Suzuka: (elbows Mihoshi hard on the ribs) Your lines?

Mihoshi: What lines?

Clef: Did you even memorize your lines, Mihoshi?

Mihoshi: We're in a play?

Touya: I don't believe this. How did I ever get myself mixed up in this?

Mihoshi: Hmm…Oh yeah! Hi there. Here, let me introduce you! (grabs Duo's shoulders and moves him around and around over and over to every person on the stage) So, you new in town?

Duo: Uh…what? Oh! I mean…yeah, I just arrived today. I'm Duo. I hear Ms. Washu gives good parts to pilots!

Suzuka: If you call being blown up into smithereens a good part…

Duo: (fishes around his pocket for a piece of paper) Where the hell is that piece of…Oh, here it is!

Mihoshi: Um…What's that you got there?

Duo: Oh, this here is…uh…(takes out his script and begins to read it again) a list of some things I plan to do once I got here. I figured that if I work really hard, I'd land my very first part on Friday. That's what happened for you guys, right?

Touya and Suzuka: Uh…Oh, sure…yeah, whatever.

_Squall: Hey that's my line! _

_Quistis: Shhh!_

Mihoshi: Oh! Uh…maybe you should go and see Ms. Washu, and let her know you're here. (ruffles Duo's precious hair, ruining it)

Duo: (fixes his hair and walks over towards Washu) Uh, Ms. Washu?

Washu: Hmm…(begins to sing her science song) Sit back and listen to this song that I'm singing. Photon, proton, synchrotron are…

Duo: Um…Ms. Washu? WASHU!

Washu: huh? Oh, it's you! How can I help you? No, no, don't say anything. I know exactly how I can help you. You can play a pretty pilot for that new 'Lil Ark Angel movie with Emeraude Dimple.

Duo: Emeraude Dimple! THE world's most hated person known to man? I mean…the most adorable child loving pilots known to man?

Washu: That's right! One and the same! Now all you have to do is sign here, here, here, here, here, etc. (you get the picture)

Kiyone: (walks past the broken door, looking like she was gonna shoot something) …

Mihoshi: Oh, Kiyone! You're covered in paint!

Kiyone: A pilot crossed my path.

Mihoshi: Oh, um, long hair?

Kiyone: Yeah.

Mihoshi: Black outfit?

Kiyone: How'd you know?

Mihoshi: Uh, a coincidence? But anyway, maybe you should tidy up. You wanna look pretty in case you meet someone nice.

Kiyone: Yeah, right, Mihoshi, as if he's gonna walk right out that…

(Washu and Duo slam the fake doors open, making it fall off its hinges also. The broken door fall on Kiyone.)

Washu: Where's Kiyone! Kiyone!

Kiyone: (lifts the door off her head, dizzily) Ouch…

Washu: Ah, Kiyone, dahling! I have a new job for you.

Kiyone: What ever it is, the answer is definitely no!

Washu: I'll double your salary!

Kiyone: Triple.

Washu: Triple! I'll quadruple it!

Kiyone: Deal!

Clef: Hey! That's not in the script!

Washu: Hehehe, here's your partner.

Kiyone: (sees Duo) No way! Forget it!

Washu: (grabs Kiyone's hair) Nah uh uh! A deals a deal. Hehehe…

Duo: Woah! You're covered in paint! Was that supposed to happen?

Kiyone: …(walks out the door, tripping over the broken door by accident)

_Scene 3_

Ascot: Hey, mister!

Duo: Huh? Oh, what?

Ascot: You better go get your costume.

Kiyone: Hurry up already, I don't have all day.

Duo: Okay, okay.

Clef: (runs around, passing scripts) Scripts! Scripts! Scripts!

Duo: Meow? What the…?

Kiyone: (grabs the paper and turns it to another side) Here.

Duo: Oh! Pretty. Is that all? Where's the rest?

Kiyone: You're looking at it.

Duo: That's all?

Kiyone: Yup.

Duo: You sure?

Kiyone: Yeah.

Duo: Really sure?

Kiyone: Positive.

Duo: Really?

Kiyone: Oh would you just shut up already?!

Duo: Fine, but I'm sure they won't mind if I jazz it up a bit, right?

Kiyone: All right, learn it the hard way.

Duo: (sings to himself) I feel pretty. Oh, so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and – HACK!

(Kiyone elbows Duo.)

Fred Lo: All right, everybody! Lights! Camera! (says in a very disturbing way) Aaaaaaaaaaaaahc…tion…

(The lights on the stage turn off except for one in the very center. Emeraude hangs down from a wire attached to her.)

Emeraude: (begins to sing BADLY) The people of Cephiro were so bad, that the Pillar made the rain come down. And she WASHED away their big cities. And she WASHED away their big towns. And ALL of the people DROWNED!

(The Audience moans in pain as they hear Emeraude's voice.)

Audience: (moaning in pain) Ohhhh…ohhhh…

Emeraude: (sings again, ignoring the audience) But the pilots were much smarter, though some of them drowned too. The OTHERS were just poor pi-hi-lots, and they didn't know what to do…sooooo…I built a little boat. As big as big can be. I put all the pilots two by two in my little boat on the sea. The blue pilots went…

Blue pilots: (unenthusiastically) Blue. Blue.

Emeraude: The pink ones went.

Pink pilots: (boringly) Pink, pink. Pink, pink.

Emeraude: And all the little pilots went little, little, little on my little boat on the sea. The red pilots went…

_Squall: This play sucks! Who wrote all this? _

_Maya: (glowers) I did…_

Red pilots: Red, red. Red, red.

Emeraude: The pretty pilots went…

Kiyone: Pretty.

Duo: Preh-teeeeeee

Emeraude: (looks at Duo strangely) The yellow pilots went…

Duo: (pushes away the yellow pilots and begins to sing) Preh-tee! Preh-tee! Preh-tee! Preh-teeeeeeeee!

Emeraude: On my big boat on the sea!

Duo: The little boat on the sea! Preh-tee. Preh-tee. On the sea…

Emeraude: CUT! CUT, CUT, CUT!

Fred Luo: Cut? Oh, yes, cut!

Emeraude: GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!

_Lantis: Hey, Emeraude's acting well. _

_Eagle: Who said she was acting?_

_Lantis and Eagle: Hehehehe… _

_Hikaru: That's mean. _

(Ferio and Aisha grin evilly. They lower a lever down roughly, causing Emeraude to crash towards the floor.)

Emeraude: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (crashes onto the floor, face down with a loud thump)

Fred Luo: Ah, Miss Dimple, here, let me help you. (waves his hands in the air, doing practically nothing)

Touya: Yeah that's _really_ helping…

Emeraude: (getting up from the floor) Director Fred, isn't this movie about…a little…ANGEL?

Fred Luo: Yes, Darla.

Emeraude: Huh?

Fred Luo: I mean, Emeraude.

Emeraude: And who here is a little angel? (takes grabs Fred and tightens her grip on his tie) AREN'T I SUPPOSED TO BE A LITTLE ANGEL!?

Fred Luo: That's right, Miss Dimple, sweety, baby, cutey, dahling…

(Emeraude rolls her eyes and chokes Fred with his tie.)

Fred: …Uh…angel?

Emeraude: THAT'S RIGHT! I **AM** A LITTLE ANGEL! I AM AN ADORABLE LITTLE…**ANGEEEEEEEEEEEL**!!!!!!!!!

_Baofu: Like hell…Kids these days…(puffs out a cigar smoke)_

_Squall: The real side of Emeraude. _

_Quistis: No wonder she fits the part perfectly. _

Fred: Um…ouch…

(Duo "accidentally" flipped one of the levers back up, making Emeraude swing back up violently.)

Emeraude: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!! LAAAAAAAAAFFY!!!!

Lafarga: (walks through on of the backgrounds and heads towards Emeraude) Hey, how'd that wall get there?

_Eagle: Oh man, there goes all my hard work. _

_Syaoran: Hmph, what hard work? You mean those big squiggly lines? _

_Lantis: They're flowers! _

_Fuu: They are? _

Emeraude: You moron, you're supposed to say your lines!

Lafarga: Oops, I'm so sorry, I forgot all about them!

Emeraude: Just say them!

Lafarga: Oh, uh…you rang, Miss Dimple?

Emeraude: (points at Duo) That cat!

Duo: (looks behind him) Huh? What cat?

Lafarga: What cat?

Emeraude: That one!

Suzuka: Pilot! Pilot!

Emeraude: Oh…that's right…(laughs nervously) Get that pilot!

Lafarga: (cracks his knuckles) How does a kitty cat go?

Duo: Huh?

Lafarga: Uh…I mean (takes out his script) How does a pretty pilot gooooooooooooooooooo?

Maya: Ruined! It's all ruined! 

_Hikaru: Oh, I thought they were acting. _

_Tomoyo: (gasps and continues to videotape) Sakura-chan is so beautiful and so graceful! _

_Quatre: Uh, Tomoyo, shouldn't you be videotaping the play?_

Duo: Uh…pretty?

Lafarga: Very gooooooooood.

Duo: (covering his nose) Dude, you need a breath mint!

Lafarga: Hey shut up! Look who's talking!

Clef: That definitely isn't in the script.

Duo: Hey you can't tell me what to do!

Kiyone: (smacks the back of Duo's head) Just get back to the act.

Lafarga: Uh how does the next line go? (takes out his script again and reads it.) Oh, uh…will that do, Miss Dimple?

Emeraude: No not really – I mean…For the moment.

(Lafarga leaves the stage, putting another hole through Lantis and Eagle's background.)

Duo: (tries to put on his cap, but can't seem to manage it because he is still knocked out from Lafarga's bad breath) …

Kiyone: Told you so. (takes the cap and smacks on Duo's head.)


	3. Ch 3

Scene 4

Touya: Unbelievable! Can you believe that guy? Waltzing around here singing…(begins to hop around the stage, trying to copy Duo)

Mihoshi: Gee, that's mean. And besides, it was more like this! (hops and twists around the stage trying to copy Duo also, but then stops as she sees Duo behind her)

Duo: …(cringes and walks away sadly)

Mihoshi: Now see what you've made me do!

Touya: Hehehehe…

Suzuka: (punches Touya's jaw, deforming it) Hmph.

Touya: Ouch!

Clef: Maybe someone should go and talk to him.

Kiyone: I'll do it. Ever since that pilot came tap dancing in this city…err…town he's been nothing but trouble.

Touya: (fixes his jaw) Yeah, especially to you.

Kiyone: Hey, Duo, I'm not sorry that your feelings got hurt back there, but the fact is…

Duo: I don't understand. What happened back there? Was it the way I kept saying pretty?

Kiyone: No, it's your hair.

Duo: (gasps) My hair?!

Kiyone: (stiffles a laugh by slapping her forehead) No, not really.

_Clef: What the? That' not in the script either!_

_Tomoyo: Shh! _

Duo: Oh, ok. As I was saying, was it the way I kept repeating that word? Because if I kept repeating, I could clear it up back there with…

Kiyone: Duo, they don't care!

Duo: They don't?

Kiyone: Well duh! Wasn't it obvious from the beginning? Anyway, why are so determined to be a moron all the time?

Duo: I am? Oh, I mean, it wasn't like that from where I came from, wherever that is.

Kiyone: Well maybe that's where you should have stayed. Where did you come from anyway?

Duo: (shrugs) I dunno. Maya never wrote where I came from, so I have no clue.

Kiyone: Uh, ok, whatever…

_Squall: Hey that's my line!_

Clef: This is a messed up play.

(Kiyone walks out, laughing as she gets to the back of the stage. Ascot rolls his eyes and walks towards the stage with his stupid penguin suit.)

Ascot: Hey, mister, you still here?

Duo: (looks up) Oh, it's you.

Ascot: No duh! Anyway (clears throat) what's up with that pint sized midget? I thought you were great!

Duo: Really?

Ascot: No, not really. I just have to say it since it's written here in this script. But anyway, do you think you could show me some of your moves?

Duo: Sure. (stands up and begins to dance)

(Ascot tries to follow, but slips on his shiny shoes and falls on his butt. Duo restrains his face from laughing, but is unsuccessful. Suddenly, Quatre comes up on the stage, dragging behind him a piano.)

Quatre: I hate my life. (drags the piano towards the stage and begins to play a funny tune on it.)

Duo: Hey, what's that sound?

Ascot: (still sore from his previous fall) Isn't it obvious what it is? It's right in front of you.

Duo: You're supposed to pretend that you don't see it, dummy.

Ascot: How can I pretend if he's right there in front of me?

Duo: Forget it. (walks towards Quatre and whispers something to him) Psst…how come you had to drag that all the way here?

Quatre: Because Heero's too lazy to move it for me.

Duo: Typical. I mean, uh…anyway…Oh my gosh it's you! It's really you! Who are you again?

Quatre: (rolls his eyes) I'm Quatre Wooly, that dude who has to always do the opening of every movie.

Ascot: You mean you're the mammoth?

Quatre: Huh?

Duo: If you're a mammoth, where's Quatre! Alright, where is he?!

Quatre: Huh? I don't know what you're talking about! I AM Quatre! And I'm not a mammoth. I'm the Grandfather of all Pilots.

Ascot: Oh, you sure don't look it.

Duo: Hiya, gramps!

Quatre: Don't call me that!

Duo: Yeah, yeah, sure, gramps. Now anyway, your piano playing sounds great!

Quatre: You mean it?

Duo: No not really, I'm just saying that because it's part of the script.

Quatre: I should've known.

Ascot: So anyway, how come you don't play that kind of music around the studio?

Quatre: That's because they don't care about us pilots. Ever since they saw Miss Emeraude, who's a pint sized witch if you ask me…

_Emeraude: I heard that!_

Quatre: No pilots have gotten their chance in show biz after Miss Emeraude showed up. Look behind you.

Duo: (looks behind him) Yeah? What's up behind me?

Quatre: Oh shoot! I forgot something! (runs out of the stage and grabs a handful of pictures, then runs back and slams the pictures down on the piano) There! Now look behind you.

Duo: (looks at the pictures and cringes as he sees one with Touya and Suzuka dancing together) Yeesh, do they really dance?

Quatre: Never mind that. Anyway, there were so many broken dreams of stardom.

Duo: (glances at a picture of Clef in a pirate suit with an eye patch over his eye) I can see why.

Ascot: (chokes as he begins to laugh) Hehehehehehe…

_Clef: Hey! How'd they get that picture?_

_Aisha: Hey, shut up, kid! I can't hear what they're saying!_

_Clef: I'm not a kid, you animal! _

_Aisha: What did you call me!? _

_Squall: Hey both of you shut up already! _

Duo: (glances at another picture) Woah! Is that Kiyone?

Quatre: Huh? Let me see! (grabs the picture from Duo and stares at it) Hey, that's Kiyone?! Damn she's HOT!!

_Kiyone: (screams from backstage) Yes, it IS ME! You got a problem with that!?_

Quatre: (clears throat) Eh hem…Ah, Kiyone. I thought she would be the one to make it. She had the voice of an angel and could dance like there was no tomorrow.

Duo: Yeah…and check out those curves. Hey, Quatre, how do like them apples, eh eh eh?

Quatre: Hehehe…(sees Kiyone aiming her gun at him and clears his throat) Ehem! I mean…But of course she didn't make it, so that means she sucks.

_Kiyone: EXCUSE ME!!!_

Ascot: HEY SHUT UP BACK THERE! WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PLAY!

Duo: (sweat drop) Um…ok…Really? I've got an idea!

Ascot: Oh no…

Duo: What if we show them how good we pilots really are? And anyway (drools over the picture of Kiyone in a pretty dress)… Hehehe…

Quatre: Hmm…Not a bad idea…But I've got a better one. Why don't we go in front of Mammoth Studios and scream as loud as we can "PIZZA HUT JAPAN! MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER!!!" and then…RUN LIKE HELL afterwards!!!!!!

Duo: That's a great idea, but no, we're not gonna do it. So anyway, here's the plan…

Act 2

_Scene 1 _

_Fuu: Heero, hurry up! We have to change the scenery!_

_Heero: Do I have to drag that piano back here? _

_Aisha: Well duh! Now hurry up already. The audience is gonna get impatient! _

_Jim: What audience? You mean those twelve who left a long time ago after they saw how bad everyone was acting? _

_Sakura: Not exactly. There's a funny looking man with red hair sitting in the front row. _

_Syaoran: I think he's waving at you, Jim. _

_Jim: What? Let me check it out. (looks outside for a second, then walks away, looking irritated) _

_Fuu: I wonder what's gotten into him. _

_Aisha: Oh he's just mad that Gene and Melfina showed up to actually watch the play. _

_Umi: I'm surprised they didn't leave. _

_Quistis: I'm surprised they're still alive…_

Some dude: Alright, I'll need two yellow pilots and that's all. The rest of you can go home.

Touya: Back to your lives ladies and gentlemen.

Suzuka: I should've known. I better get paid for this.

Clef: Oh well, today's a bummer, might as well go home and clean up, wherever that is. In fact, where DO I live?

Mihoshi: I dunno. I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Suzuka: She's impossible.

Clef: Last night my fortune cookie said, "Give it up, you loser." HEY WHO YOU CALLIN' A LOSER! WHY YOU PIECE OF…(smashes the cookie and rips the fortune into a thousand pieces)

Duo: Ladies and gentlemen! Wait a sec!

(Everyone ignores Duo and keeps on walking off the stage.)

Duo: (begins to get angry) HEY! I said WAIT A SEC!

(Everyone turns back around and glares at Duo.)

Duo: Okay, now that I've got your attention, everyone, listen up! (clears his throat for his next song, but shuts his mouth tight as Limp Bizkit began to play again on the radio)

_Radio: …Stick it up your YEAH! Stick it up you YEAH! I did it all for the nookie…_

_Jim: What the?!_

_Aisha: Hey, Ferio, were you listening to that Limp Bizkit CD again? _

_Ferio: Huh? No, I thought I took that CD out. _

_(In the corner, Heero, Lantis, and Eagle are singing along to Limp Bizkit.) _

_Heero: Stick it up your… _

_Eagle & Latins: YEAH! _

_Heero: Stick it up your… _

_Eagle & Lantis: YEAH! _

_Sakura: Hey, take it out already. (takes out the CD and plays Duo's second song) _

Duo: (clears his throat for a second time) C'mon everybody, gather around. Don't let this old…town get you down. Look at you there with the long, long face…

Mihoshi: (turns towards Touya) Hey, he must be talking to you.

Duo: You take this, and you take that…(begins to throw plastic props in different directions) Come on over here, Clef, and put on this hat! Hehehe…

Clef: No, I am NOT putting that ridiculous hat on.

Suzuka: Just do it.

Duo: (slaps the pirate hat on Clef's head) If we all work together, we can make our dreams come true. Let's show the world what we can do.

Mihoshi: We're going on cable?

Touya: I don't believe this…

Duo: (sweat drop) Ascot…HEY, ASCOT!

Ascot: Okay, okay! Wait a sec you know! (drags a set of glass bottles and plastic ones towards the stage)

Duo: Uh, Ascot, I thought you were going to play your drum set?

Ascot: Yeah. What do you think theses are for? (holds up a couple of pots and pans with a spatula in his hand and begins to play really good)

Duo: Um…okay.

(Suddenly, the curtains begin to open wider as Quatre drags the heavy piano back on stage. After a moment, he begins to play madly.)

Duo: I've got rhythm in my feet. I've got rhythm in my heart and soul. I've got rhythm…hot and sweet. Sometimes rhythm makes me loose control. HA-CHA WA-CHA!! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!! Want everyone to have loads of fun that I have! I've got rhythm…so do you! Lets turn them on and show them what we can do??? Huh? Oh well…anyway…(begins to dance with Mihoshi, and winces as Mihoshi steps on his toes)

Touya: I don't believe this!

Suzuka: I can't believe I have to do this…I mean…Hey, shut up already and show me what you've got! (grabs Touya's hand and begins to dance with him the tango)

(Meanwhile, Kiyone is typing away on her typewriter practically nothing and then begins to type away into the tune of the music.)

Kiyone: Huh? (gets up from her seat and watches Duo and everyone else act like morons) What's up with this?

Touya: (looking happy) Hey, Kiyone! Grab a partner and dosey-do!

Kiyone: What's gotten into them? Oh well…

Duo: Hey, Kiyone. C'mon, dance with me. I HEARD that you were really good once.

Kiyone: (looking insulted) And who told you that?

Quatre: Hey, don't look at me!

(Everyone looks at him for a minute.)

Kiyone: Well, I see. Listen, Duo, it's just a waste of your time.

Duo: Alright, see ya.

Kiyone: On second thought, I bet you that I can dance better than you!

Duo: You're on!

Clef: Is that in the script?

Kiyone: Hmph! (Posses her galaxy space police pose)

Duo: (floats on his three-foot braid) Not bad, very rusty, but hey, you're not perfect, unlike me!

Kiyone: Rusty? I'll give you rusty. Hehehe…(tap dances towards Duo and makes him fall in a garbage can which Selphie and Quistis made, making it nice and sturdy)

Duo: Uh, hey, Kiyone, my butt seems to be stuck…so if you could please help me out, I'd really appreciate…

Kiyone: (grins evilly) Sorry, but I've got a dance competition to win.

Duo: Oh that is so unfair! Ascot! ASCOT! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!

Ascot: (sighs reluctantly) You're so demanding…(kicks at the garbage can, making Duo topple over in pain)

Duo: Ouch…Hey, Kyone! I'm gonna win this contest! (begins to dance like there's no tomorrow, while Kiyone does the same)

Emeraude: (hums the Smirfs theme song) Now, to make myself beautiful and elegant.

Lafarga: (rolls his eyes, and roughly places two cucumber slices onto Emeraude's eyes) Yeah, yeah, whatever.

_Squall: Grr…_

Emeraude: Hey! Ouch, watch it!

Lafarga: Yeah right.

Emeraude: Oh, what is that horrible racket? (walks towards the dancing pilots) Just look at them, Laffy. Dancing away like silly pilots, or whatever they are. Laffy? (glances at Lafarga, dancing the Macarena) LAFFY!

Lafarga: Huh? Oh, yeah, right, sure.

Duo: Getting tired?

Kiyone: Tired, ha! I've just barely begun!

Duo: Good, cause I'm just getting warmed up!

(The two dance faster and faster, eyeing each other evilly. Suddenly, the music stops, and both of them collapse onto the floor.)

Kiyone: Just…(begins to pant) like I said. It's just a waste of time.

Duo: Aw, c'mon, you know I won.

Kiyone: You're dreaming, Duo. And besides you collapsed first, making me the winner.

Duo: Bull…I mean anyway, what if I can get us an audition with L.B. Mammoth.

Kiyone: And who's that?

Duo: (checks his script) Oh, I mean…B.F. Mammoth.

Kiyone: Oh…B.F. Mammoth? Head of Quatre Studios?

Quatre: I don't' get it. If the studio is named after me, then how come I don't own it?

Clef: Shut up!

Duo: Well, duh! The one and only B.F. Mammoth…And he'll probably be the first and the last since he's gonna get lung cancer in a couple of years…

_Baofu: Hey! Yo, Maya, tell Suou to arrest that little brat when you get to see him. _

_Maya: What for? _

_Baofu: For acting like Tatsuya! _

_Maya: Oh brother…I wish you'd act your age for once. _

Kiyone: I'd like to see you try. (leaves the stage, making sure not to trip on anything on the way out, but she trips over one of Ascot's pots, falling onto the curtain.)

Ascot: Can you really get us an audition with B.F.?

Duo: Sure! Have I ever let you down?

Suzuka: That's what I'm worried about.

Touya: Hey, um…what're Emeraude and Lafarga doing over there?

_Emeraude: Hey, you're' not supposed to see us!_

Mihoshi: Well you're right in front of us, so how can we not see you?

Emeraude: Never mind! Just pretend that I'm not here! Now anyway…(clears throat) An audition with B.F. Mammoth. Laffy, invite that pilot to…TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAA…

Laffy: That's nice.

Scene2

(Duo walks inside a pink mansion and cringes in disgust.)

Emeraude: I'm so glad you could come, Danny…

Duo: (looks behind him) Huh? It's Duo.

Emeraude: Whatever…

_Squall: HEY! Why is everyone saying my line?_

_Selphie: Shut up! _

Emeruade: I wanted to apologize for what happened yesterday. Laffy can be such a bad butler. (punches Lafarga, knocking him out)

Lafarga: …Ow…

Duo: Well, okay, apology accepted!

Emeraude: Well, isn't there a certain way I could make it all up to you?

Duo: Uh…(sips from his cup and spits it back out) GROSS! What is this stuff?

Emeraude: Juice.

Duo: Yeah, well what kind of juice?

Emeraude: Prune juice…

Duo: (spits out again and coughs in disgust) GROSS! That stuff is disgusting! What're you trying to do, poison me?!

Emeraude: Isn't that the whole point?

Duo: Haha…very funny. Now that's not part of the script.

Emeraude: Oh you're no fun. Anyway…Isn't there something I could do to help you?

Duo: Uh…

Emeraude: Isn't there a certain someone I can introduce you to?

Duo: Uh…Oh I know! You could introduce me to Britney Spears! I LOVE her music. (begins to sing) Oops, I did it again. I played with your heart, got lost in the game…

_Tomoyo: I never knew Duo was a big fan of Britney Spears._

_Heero: Sad, but true. _

Emeraude: NO YOU MORON! You're supposed to say, B.F. Mammoth!

Duo: Oh man! I don't wanna meet that old geezer who's gonna die from lung cancer!

_Baofu: That's it, I'm gonna get him!_

_(Maya and Hikaru restrain him.) _

_Baofu: Let me at him! Let me at him! _

_Hikaru: Baofu, it's not your part yet! _

Emeraude: Duo!

Duo: Okay, okay…(Sarcastically) Yeah, well there is someone you could introduce me to.

Emeraude: Oh gee, who could that be? It better not be Britney Spears.

Duo: Maybe you could set up an audition for me with B.F. Mammoth?

Emeraude: Why, Dennis, I'd love to help you out! (sips the prune juice down in one gulp)

Duo: (cringes disgustedly) It's Duo.

Emeraude: However, I do have one advice for you…Hit it, Laffy!

(Lafarga groans as he gets up from the floor. He then pulls a lever, making the table Emeraude was sitting on, disappear. In its place fell a piano, falling on top of Emeraude.)

Emeraude: Stupid piano…(begins to sing hoarsely) I've seen 'em come. And I've seen 'em go. There's one thing that I know.

Duo: Woah, you must be pretty old.

Emeraude: Shut up. (continues to sing) You gotta give the people…what they want. Or you'll wind up back in Kokomo, Nebraska…

Duo: Huh? Is that where I live? And isn't Kokomo in Indiana?

Emeraude: Whatever.

_Squall: ARGH!_

Emeraude: They like it big. They like it loud. Maybe a little bit jazzy sometimes. Mister pi-hi-lot, listen to me. You don't have to be good. But you had better be…

Lafarga: Get hot, Miss Dimple…

Emeraude: BIG AND LOUD! They like it big and loud! Wanna make your mama proud! (licks a lollipop and then sticks it onto Lafarga's hair) Make it big!

Lafarga: I'm gonna get her for that.

Emeraude: Aaaaaaaaaaaaand…LOOUUU – HACK…(begins to cough before finishing the song)

Duo: (a little deaf from Emeraude's voice) …

Emeraude: Leaves you kinda speechless…Don't it?

Duo: Oh yeah, definitely, speechless.

Emeraude: Well thanks again for visiting, Douglas. Come back again!

Duo: Like I'll ever. And it's Duo! Well, thank you for your hospitality. I'm very grateful…hehe…

Emeraude: Ta ta, Danny! See you soon. Bye now! See you in the MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVIES!!!!!

Lafarga: You want the phone now? Hello? Pick up. Any time now would be great. (waits awhile as Emeraude spaces out)

Emeraude: (picks up the phone and dials a number) Hello?

Some dude: Pizza Hut Japan, how can I help you?

Emeraude: Two boxes of cheese pizza on the double!

Some dude: Sure thing, Miss Dimple, whoever you are.

Lafarga: Uh, Miss Dimple, aren't you supposed to call for your schedule?

Emeraude: Huh? Oh yeah…(hangs up and dials another number) Is my movie scheduled on Friday?

Some dude: Yes, Miss Dimple

Emeraude: Oh, thank you, sooooooooooooooooooooo much.


End file.
